| app/bio for YouKnowWho :D <333 |
[Feb. 7th, 2012|10:42 am] |
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You know where you sent her; you should know where you are! You're trying to Ease Off, but you know you won't get far...!( Read more... ) |
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| Ouch: falls from Grace! |
[Dec. 28th, 2011|07:23 pm] |
[Private journal entry, 25 December, 3:39 AM]
I just completely choked up over something as Simple as the Nativity Story...!
Nay, it was not even he Nativity story, but merely the Prophecy which foretold His Coming and Birth, which I had recited before the actual Nativity chapter, and thus almost ran off stage without even finishing my FIRST reading of the evening! I'm not even sure what set me off in that damned reading....! Perhaps it was because of that one part which runs, "For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government shall be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end!" God, my GOD, my peace of mind and body ended he day I stabbed my sister -- if not BEFORE that, even!
Oh, sweet Jesus, little baby, I don't know WHY I continue to mouth my prayers to You and Your Mother, much less to your Father -- our own Heavenly Father -- with such damnable hypocrisy as I demonstrate before you, Oh Lord...! If ONLY I HADN'T KILLED DI... I know I still would be a false Christian, whose very words should choke him in the cathedral...! I would still be professing my love for all Mankind, through You, my Precious Lord, and meaning not a word of it -- still despising Muggles and Muggle-borns for what they have done to our kind... when really, it's the Pure-bloods themselves who are so TWISTED, so BASE as to actually ENJOY the likes of all the carnal sins -- from Murder to Rape to Sex itself... Oh yes, I am the basest, lowest, FALSEST Christian that ever walked this earth with Christ as his ostensible Saviour. I am so contemptible, I can barely bear to look at myself in the mirror in the morning -- and not merely because of how TERRIBLE I look when I forgo Sleep like this...!
Oh Dear Lord, what am I to do now? If I repent of my sins, and leave the Dark Lord... well, surely I would be meeting You well before I had completely redeemed myself! So.... what in Your most Bless'd Name am I supposed to do, now?
[Warded to Fellow Death Eaters, and supporters, written around 6:30 AM Christmas morning]
I cannot do this anymore...! I simply... cannot! I mean, HOW Do you lot LIVE with your actions, day in and day out? I prithee, tell me, for I NEED some advice on how to bottle my Guilt before it completely Consumes me... and drags me down to an Early Grave...
Please, comrades, HELP me...!
[/End ward] |
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| [OOC] How's my driving? |
[Jan. 24th, 2011|09:39 pm] |
Hullo everybody! I'm Cori, the patently inferior Muggle brains behind Matthew Selwyn over at ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif) numeri, and I'd love your feedback on him! I've been playing him a very long time, and I could be getting too complacent and lazy. I've also been trying to change some things up, but I could be failing at it. You can tell me either way!
Anon commenting is on though pretty character icons make me happy and IP logging is off. |
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| [Warded to Benjamin] |
[Apr. 18th, 2010|11:53 pm] |
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This is shamefully overdue, but I would like to extend an apology. My behaviour toward you has been unacceptable. I have no business belittling you for small perceived foibles, when I am far from perfect myself, and it is uncharitable of me to dismiss and avoid you when you are doing me a favour by investigating Diana's death. I was crass, too, all the times I mocked a man of your position publicly on the journals. It's amazing that our friendship has seemingly survived my meanspiritedness, and I have finally come to appreciate that I will strain it to break soon. I'm sorry. |
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[Apr. 15th, 2010|04:54 pm] |
[Warded to Death Eaters]
There seems to be a great deal of conjecture about who has angered the Dark Lord, but if you look at another new addition the journals, you may well find the answer. Auror Fenwick is crowing about capturing "Lexi" and being after "Dolly." (And why in God's name did you use code names based on your REAL NAMES?) Furthermore, I note that Fenwick is boasting of only one arrest, which means that Alexei Wilkes's patrol partner abandoned him. I think that you may safely close out this "pool" of yours, and pay it out to whomever guessed that man.
This is bad news, but there is a point of optimism: Wilkes will not betray "Dolly," nor anybody else, even if Crouch's aurors torture him. He enjoys it too much.
[/End Ward] |
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[Apr. 10th, 2010|07:45 pm] |
[Private]
The news that a comrade in arms is endangered oughtn't to fill me with such relief. Dolohov's hiding on the continent, and I cannot seem to muster any concern for our lost soldier. At least he's no longer menacing me, and even if he were captured, he would not threaten me with exposure. The Dark Lord's revenge on traitors is ten times worse than anything the Ministry can do.
But that in itself is a terrible thought. I have no more options than he. I am bound to these madmen who are devolving so rapidly, and even I am in too deep to ever claim a moral life again. How did I come to this point? I've forgotten what I'm fighting for. Certainly nothing righteous anymore. I have seen firsthand how some of my comrades can turn around from a mission, to indulge in their own sadistic gratification. These are perversions I cannot blame on Muggles; they're a sickness of the mind, rather, and when "we" can claim victory... it will not be order but chaos they establish. I've helped to build the foundations not for Elysium, but for Hell on earth.
I've invested so much in trying to make that lie true, that I've nothing else left outside of it-- not my god, nor my family. Even Hestia's seen well enough to leave me. Apparently she found my behaviour during Lent disturbingly illogical, but I think she would have found my reasoning even more disturbing. Perhaps she had a clue; she's a perspicacious woman. My parents, too, should turn from me, if they knew. I owe them the truth, but I lack sufficient courage to deliver it.
If I had any options left this late in the game, I lost them when I lost Diana. I don't know what I'm to do anymore.
[End Ward]
Happy spring. |
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[Apr. 6th, 2010|02:06 am] |
[Warded private]
Eastertide is over, and though I am a half a stone lighter for fasting, I feel little has changed. It is so easy to be swept in when the priest speaks for all of us, to surrender to the peace of the the scripture and song and sermon, particularly on such an uplifting occasion as Easter. In that moment I feel restored, and can believe all my sins are washed away.
When it is over, however, when the incense is aired out of my clothes, I stand alone, a man with blood on his hands. I can never wash away such a taint; there will be no peace, not for me, not in the end. I wake from the Eastertide calm and cannot sleep. I close my eyes and I see flames melting stained glass, or Diana's eyes glazing over, or blood from whom I cannot even recall.
I am already in hell.
Yes, the day after Easter and it is already a night like any other. At least I have the respite of another church. |
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[Mar. 4th, 2010|08:48 pm] |
I am worthless.
All my efforts seem so small, so vein, next to the enormonity of the emptiness I have to fill. Nothing I've done is right. None of this is part of the plan. It's just dust. She's dust. I'm drunk dust.
If the plan is wrong I still don't know. Diana was the best of us and it was sqwandered on the potential she thought she had. All her life she spent not knowing what she wanted, she just risked everything in hopes the pay-off would fill the emptiness she had to fill. She was never quite happy and that is at least part of my fault. I could have done better by her, she could have done so much better, if she only knew. There's the difference between us. She was not sure what she wanted, and she could have had it all and more. I know what I want and I'll never attaint it.
May be these meditations aren't in the spirit of the holiday but then neither is the liquor.
Has anyone seen my Bible? I thought I had it in front of me but whatever it is, it's only an index that goes on and on and on. I knew there couldn't be a Book of Aardvark in the Bible anyhow. |
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[Feb. 20th, 2010|01:48 am] |
*Matthew is rather bemused this evening, for reasons that will become apparent, and for the moment he has left this private entry unwarded. Go on, have fun at his expense until he notices. He WILL rectify the lack of wards soon. Matthew caught his mistake and locked this entry down late Friday evening, but I'm willing to play with the window of opportunity (ie, pretend it's still Friday) if you early birds missed your chance~<3*
The past couple weeks have been a blur to me. I've had too much on my mind, and in spite of such milestones as my birthday, I had lost track of the date until I saw somebody marked with ashes yesterday. I knew this season would be a difficult one, but I have already missed the forest for the trees. Diana's deathday has been a distraction from broader concerns. To say nothing of the church.
All in all, I'm starting off on the wrong foot. It shows in the way I thoughtlessly brewed my usual pot of tea this evening. I came to my senses before I drank any, at least.
I shall have to ask an authority later, whether a fast for the dead would nullify the Lenten fast. There must be some canonical law; forty days is a long stretch of time to negate death anniversaries. |
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[Feb. 15th, 2010|03:43 am] |
I have had an epiphany tonight. The litmus test for native fluency is surely the ability to understand an inebriated Frenchman. (For those of you unfamiliar with the language, native French speakers are rapid-fire as it is, quite apart from the slurring induced by too much whisky or merlot, or whatever he may have had.) Three hours later, I realised I was bored, regardless of how ente fascinating his story was, of a lonely Valentine's Day with a bottle all to himself and all of Knockturn Alley cordoned off over this morning's riot. I can't imagine why he thought Knockturn Alley was a safe place to be of an evening, anyhow, particularly alone and defenceless.
Not a story to recommend St Valentine's Day, to be sure. |
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[Feb. 8th, 2010|07:32 pm] |
There are many milestones by which to mark the passage of a year. People keep track of many anniversaries in their lives, both significant and trivial. There is New Year's Day, of course. Weddings, natal days, uprisings, deaths. Even a landmark Ministerial decision or a remarkable day in sports can be commemorated for years to come. The field becomes even wider when one takes into account calendars other than Gregorian. Various lunar calendars, especially religious, are still in common usage, even in Great Britain. Some anniversaries can only be marked by such alternative calendars.
But I digress. A milestone has passed me by, and in that sense another year is gone, but I am already looking ahead to another anniversary, one that is harder to face. It's not been the best year, no matter where I mark it. |
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| [Private owl to Fenrir Greyback] |
[Jan. 24th, 2010|02:37 pm] |
After leaving work on Friday, Selwyn sent out an owl. Contained within the sealed envelope is a copy of the current werewolf register, and a curt note. Perhaps it took some time to reach its recipient. Fenrir Greyback, after all, is reportedly a hard man to find.
( Friend? ) |
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[Jan. 16th, 2010|04:31 pm] |
Another week has passed uneventfully. Business is as it ever was, but the work is beginning to wear on me. Translation from French to English, English to French, and back again. It is no longer an intellectual exercise; I have plateaued. I believe I need to set myself a higher challenge. Bilingualism is a simple feat; even children can master a second language. Perhaps I have let myself stagnate for too long.
I am entertaining the notion, then, of studying a third language. I am open to recommendations. It would be beneficial to learn the language of a country in which the Ministry does a great deal of business, but as this is for my own personal betterment, as well, I would not rule out any obscure languages.
This bid for suggestions is twofold; I am looking for somebody willing to teach me. Reading comprehension alone will be inadequate occupationally. I would of course be willing to pay for your time.
My evenings and weekends are usually free, although tonight is an exception. A family friend has insisted on my presence at a party. This should prove interesting. |
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